Quietly watching

Photo Credit to NZDF, courtesy of stuff

I've been very quietly watching the coverage of the fallen NZ soldiers in Afghanistan.  It touches me on many levels.  During my service in Bosnia I was acutely aware that if any soldier were killed part of my job would have been to manage the media engagement (knowing full well NZ would have been at the center of it all but I would have been the person on the ground, coordinating comments from the field or commenting directly if needed).  It was a burden I felt and I frequently thought about how I might handle it,  particularly as I would have likely known, at least by sight, if not by name any soldier from the contingent involved; in the worst case it could well have been someone within my more intimate circle, thankfully it was never tested.
I was never particularly concerned about being killed while in Bosnia.  To this day if you were to ask me how I would prefer to die it would have been in service. I was very clear when I deployed that dying doing this particular job would be entirely honorable and preferable to many alternatives.  I was young, in fact a little younger than Jacinda Baker.  Seeing her photo she appeared sooooo young!  Had I ever looked that young?  Now I think on it I, perhaps, understand a little more my mothers angst and fears about my deploying (she wasn't the only one) - I really must have looked that young.  I was the only woman to serve with that contingent, if I had died it would have been a disaster.....not so much for me but the drama that would have ensued around "why woman should not serve in combat etc etc etc".  We are 18 years on and Jacinda's loss is a tragedy but the debate has not (at least as of today) deteriorated to some  ridiculousness that would have one soldier's life (a woman's) valued over another's (a man).  This is tragic and sad and the politics of it complex.  I am certain in my mind that anyone serving in the NZ Army today maintains a sense of service and knows the risks; NZ soldiers have choices about when and how they serve.......the US Army, by contrast, is a far more complex choice - many complex social, political and economic issues bring those men and women to service.  How NZ manages the loss of these soldiers will be a measure of who we are and, perhaps, a little wake up call about what wearing that particular uniform really means; it's not all ANZAC day and parades.